Monday, January 18th

Clearings

The more that rushes through our minds, the more complicated and anxious life seems. Maybe TV will help settle us down--or the newspaper--or some work--or sex--or a big snack. Less seems to gnaw at us then. Life stays put for a moment. We feel in control again--we're "doing" something--anything.

The after-effect of the doing leaves us more anxious, but more drugged. We've exchanged a gnawing anxiety for a dulled sensibility. Maybe, at least, we can sleep now. We do, on the surface. But not below. Our dreams are troubled. Fragments of life whir round and round without a center. We wake tired, and struggle out for another round.

You and I share such an "underlife." It usually is bearable; it even seems "normal," sometimes out of sheer habit. Sometimes it is even fun. But it is not fulfilling. We are grown for more than that. When this becomes most clear, when the whole daily round feels most wearisome, we hear ourselves crying out ... How long will I, must I, tromp through this dense jungle half crazed and blind before the clearing appears?

Tilden Edwards

I came across a copy I had made of "The Back Door," a back cover essay of the Christian magazine, The Door. They were always written by the late Mike Yaconelli. In this particular essay, he quotes the passage above. The timing of my finding this was perfect. I had just the day before agreed to teach two classes at the local state university. This is on top of the two classes I had already agreed to teach at the local community college. And I've never taught before. At least, not in a situation where I am responsible for 16 -18 weeks of course content and scheduling and grading.

I am a little nervous about the course load, even though I am excited about the opportunities. I'm also concerned about finding myself "tromp[ing] through [a] dense jungle" looking for the clearing that Mr. Edwards writes about. This is especially true because I recognize so clearly his description of the behavior at the beginning of the passage... using TV, food, or something else to distract me from my anxiety and stress. It's classic Mary Behavior 101.

So I am sharing this with you today... for me. Because I need to read it and be reminded of my behavior... reminded that I am not alone in it... and reminded that there are clearings out there. Clearings that I will find if I look for them. Big, open clearings are maybe not so easy to find, but they are there. Daily and weekly, though, there are smaller clearings. I need to take advantage of them. Sometimes, I may need to take out my proverbial machete and hack it out on my own.

Once I get into those clearings, I need to stop, breathe, kick off my jungle boots, and rest.

Rest.

Rest physically.

Rest emotionally.

Rest spiritually.

Rest.

I did not write about the situation in Haiti right now. Honestly, I have no words to even know where to begin. I have no skills to physically bring to the area. We will donate money. We will pray. In the meantime, though, I go about my "normal" life. It is easy to forget how horrible the situation is. For my own bit of sold maintenance, I am visiting the Livesay family blog. They are Haitian missionaries who are in the middle of it all. It is heart-wrenching to read some of the posts, but I think that our hearts should be wrenched at this time. They must be wrenched.