Monday, April 19th

A friend sent me a couple of letters that Dorothy L. Sayers wrote to her son about temperament and not using it as an a excuse for behavior. I think her words make an excellent platform for a Sleeping with Bread post. Ms Sayers wrote:

I know all about “temperament”; it is the word we use for our own egotism, and (as a rule) for our bad temper and bad manners and the mere fact that we use that word implies that we intend to take no serious trouble to control ourselves. I know a great many people who make their own lives and other people’s a misery with their “temperament”; and though they are always blaming themselves in speech, they are really taking a black and ugly pride in their own perversity, which they make no serious effort to correct.

I have to laugh a little (self-consciously) at this use of the word temperament because I love the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a system for understanding people's personalities. My first reaction is to explain why taking temperament into consideration is a good thing. However, I think Ms. Sayers is writing about something different than a person knowing if they are an introvert or an extrovert. She is writing about taking any aspect of our "temperament" and using it as an excuse for our behavior. Something I have been guilty of on more than one occasion.

I was watching Deadliest Catch one day a year or so ago and found this character flaw reflected back at myself in one of the captains of the crab fishing boats. He was rehashing an argument with his brother and he yelled at his brother an approximation of the following: "Why do you do that? You know that makes me lose my temper? You shouldn't make me lose my temper!" The captain was taking his problem (the "trigger" for his outburst AND his outburst) and laying the blame squarely on his brother's shoulders. I had to laugh (again, self-consciously) at this approach to interpersonal communication. I've said similar words to my husband and my children. I've used similar excuses in discussions with friends to justify my behavior.

Fortunately, the Lord has been working on my character for awhile now, and this particular flaw is one in which I am less likely to indulge. Oh, it still surfaces occasionally, especially as a preemptive "Don't mess with mommy because [fill in the blank]." Making a change like this requires intention--a decision to act against your inclination. Ms. Sayers likened this change to being courteous and respectful, saying it was something one could not live without. In another letter to her son, she explains her definition of courteous and respectful:

It means having a profound respect for the other person’s fundamentals—for him or her, that as a person—not because of your feelings for, or admiration of, or pleasure in that person, but because of the profound mystery of that person’s own being. But the external politeness is important, because it is the outward sign of the inward grace; and because the mere habit of an external courtesy helps to prompt the inward. It is a fact that by compelling ourselves to behave as the person we should wish to be, we can, in the end, conform ourselves to that image. Curiously enough, to behave as though one were better than one is, is the first step and best way towards growing better. That is why we nearly always end by becoming fond of any thing or person that we are obliged to serve and look after is perhaps a kind of pride, or a kind of impatience, that makes us always want to begin at the deeper level. Very often it is better to begin, modestly, at the surface, and work down.

Well said, Ms. Sayers. Compelling ourselves. Conforming ourselves. Outward signs of inward grace.

Wow.

So today, I ask you: How are you doing at not excusing your behavior by blaming your temperament? Are you compelling yourself to behave with courtesy and respect towards others? Are you starting at the surface and growing deeper? As for myself, I am much better about this than I used to be; however, I still have a long way to go. Just ask my family. ; )

Thanks to @pledman who shared Ms. Sayers letters with me.

Letters excerpts from:

The letters of Dorothy L. Sayers. Vol. 3, 1944-1950 : a noble daring, ed Barbara Reynolds. Cambridge : Dorothy L. Sayers Society, 1998, p. 402–405




Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE