Monday, June 21st. . . just barely!

I just don't know what is wrong with me!  I make plans to do the SWB post and then I get caught up in this, that, or the other.  The next thing I know, it is 11:35 p.m. on Monday night and I haven't done a post yet!

Let's see if I can get this in and posted before midnight.

This summer I find myself in a little bit of a predicament.  It has been a rough couple of years, in which I have suffered the loss of two parents--both very complicated relationships; I finished grad school and had my first semester of teaching; my family moved house in the middle of all this.  It's been busy and stressful--even the GOOD stuff has added stress.

The upshot of all this is that I am suffering from just a wee bit of burnout.  (For some of you reading, this is something of a rehash. Be patient with me, I do intend to take this somewhere else.)  Fortunately, I have this summer of not teaching to recuperate.  The doctor has recommended that I do not add anything to my schedule.

So here's my predicament:  My church is participating this summer in an incredible opportunity.  As part of a new church collaboration to reach out to the community, 13 churches this summer are serving three neighborhoods in our city.  We are providing activities for kids in the community who will not have summer school available to them because of budget cuts.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that my church is working with other churches to minister to those in need in our community.  This is a five day a week, seven week commitment.  It requires a lot of coordination and a lot of people committed to it.

But I can't volunteer.  I need to keep a large margin of space in my life right now so I can spend time with my family, SLEEP, work on eating better, start moving this body around, and SLEEP some more.

This is killing me, folks.  I am confident it is the right thing to do, but it feels kind of bad.  I feel like I am not doing my part for my church and my city at the same time that I think that I should be obedient to God's leading in what is best for my health right now.  I have to not worry about what others might think of me because I am not volunteering.  I have to trust that God is going to provide the people necessary.  I have to be satisfied with the little that I could do--buying some supplies for the summer activities.

Oh, this is hard.

What about you?  Have you experienced something like that?  How did you respond?  How did it turn out?  I'd love to hear what you learned about yourself and God in that time.

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Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Monday, June 7th

Yesterday in church, the sermon was about the spiritual practice of lamenting. I think this practice fits very well with our practice of Sleeping with Bread. It adds an element that we don't necessarily address here often: a complaint to the Lord.

During the sermon, we were given time to consider what we might have to present to God as a lament. I will tell you that I found this exercise quite difficult. I was not sure where the line between "complaining" and presenting the Lord with a "complaint" was. I was so afraid to cross it.

It has left me thinking, though, that I need to spend some time reflecting on this... sorting through it... praying about it... I think it is possible that some of the things I feel like complaining about are hindering my spiritual growth and I wonder now, if there are some things that would be appropriate for me to lament. Without addressing those things, is that also hindering my spiritual progress?

This summer, when I am free from work for a few weeks, might be a good time to work on this. I will also be meeting with a few friends weekly to go through a book on spiritual formation. Maybe this summer will be a time of letting go and moving forward.

I hope so.

How about you all? Are you familiar with the idea of a lament? Have you ever done it? Here is a blog post someone else posted about it. It has some links to some modern laments that might be interesting to read. I'd love to read your thoughts on this.

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Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Monday, May 17th, ahem... Tuesday, May 18th

I read an extremely powerful blog post today written by a woman, Stacey, of Is There Any Mommy Out There.** In it, she describes her response to the case of the woman who put her adopted son, alone, on a plane back to Russia. It is the type of story that gives people plenty to talk about, with lots of opportunity for armchair quarterbacking. Stacey has a unique perspective, though. She adopted a son who she was not able to keep in her home.

I don't think I can do justice to her post. I recommend that you read it for yourself. The truth that she writes about applies to more than just the circumstances she discusses in particular. The bit that I want to bring to our Sleeping with Bread group here is the idea that sometimes we point fingers when we need to be lending a hand--or, in the very likely legitimate circumstance that we can't lend a hand, we at least stop pointing fingers.

How does this relate to the concept of Sleeping with Bread? Well, it's simple. Sleeping with Bread is about examining that which causes desolation in our lives and that which gives us consolation. When we point fingers at others we are causing desolation--even if those we are pointing fingers at NEVER know what we are saying or writing about them. We forsake ourselves when we accuse others. We become a source of desolation to our own souls.

We have, though, another option--the option of consolation. Lending a hand, praying for someone, withholding our judgment can not only console the person who is hurting or who maybe did make a bad decision, but, just as we can cause desolation to our own souls, we can console our own souls.

It has been a few weeks since this incident occurred. At the time, I had just finished preparing for and having an interview for a full-time job. My husband was out of town. I remember hearing about it and thinking it was a terrible thing to have happened, but I honestly don't remember much more than that. I also don't recall too many of my Twitter or Facebook friends discussing it online. I hope at the time that I had some generosity in my heart for both the boy and the woman who put him on that plane. Either way, Stacey's post reminds me to stop and think before pointing fingers and to stop and care for someone instead.


Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE


**This post was brought to my attention by @SKEdman via her Facebook page.

D'oh! Wednesday, April 28th

**Insert look of chagrin here**

Well, Ms. Tara is off getting some exciting new education under her belt and I was supposed to do this week's post. There have been many, many distractions, though. The biggest distraction--well, it trivializes it to call it a distraction--was a very painful journey some friends of mine have been on. They lost their little boy this week. He was born too early. He had a serious heart defect. For the last 10 days, our church community has been praying for them and their little boy. Last night, he died in their arms.

In the midst of all this, my daughter turned 10 today. We had planned a birthday party for her today after school. There was no reason to move it, but it was odd to be hosting a party and having my friend's in the back of my mind.

I am grateful for the time they did have with their little boy. I am also grateful for the 10 years I have had with my daughter and the almost 18 years I have had with my son.

As I close, I think about the spirit of this blog... acknowledging that which causes desolation in our life and that which gives us consolation. Tonight, I pray for my friends in the midst of their desolation and pray for the Lord to be with them to console them.




Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Monday, April 19th

A friend sent me a couple of letters that Dorothy L. Sayers wrote to her son about temperament and not using it as an a excuse for behavior. I think her words make an excellent platform for a Sleeping with Bread post. Ms Sayers wrote:

I know all about “temperament”; it is the word we use for our own egotism, and (as a rule) for our bad temper and bad manners and the mere fact that we use that word implies that we intend to take no serious trouble to control ourselves. I know a great many people who make their own lives and other people’s a misery with their “temperament”; and though they are always blaming themselves in speech, they are really taking a black and ugly pride in their own perversity, which they make no serious effort to correct.

I have to laugh a little (self-consciously) at this use of the word temperament because I love the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a system for understanding people's personalities. My first reaction is to explain why taking temperament into consideration is a good thing. However, I think Ms. Sayers is writing about something different than a person knowing if they are an introvert or an extrovert. She is writing about taking any aspect of our "temperament" and using it as an excuse for our behavior. Something I have been guilty of on more than one occasion.

I was watching Deadliest Catch one day a year or so ago and found this character flaw reflected back at myself in one of the captains of the crab fishing boats. He was rehashing an argument with his brother and he yelled at his brother an approximation of the following: "Why do you do that? You know that makes me lose my temper? You shouldn't make me lose my temper!" The captain was taking his problem (the "trigger" for his outburst AND his outburst) and laying the blame squarely on his brother's shoulders. I had to laugh (again, self-consciously) at this approach to interpersonal communication. I've said similar words to my husband and my children. I've used similar excuses in discussions with friends to justify my behavior.

Fortunately, the Lord has been working on my character for awhile now, and this particular flaw is one in which I am less likely to indulge. Oh, it still surfaces occasionally, especially as a preemptive "Don't mess with mommy because [fill in the blank]." Making a change like this requires intention--a decision to act against your inclination. Ms. Sayers likened this change to being courteous and respectful, saying it was something one could not live without. In another letter to her son, she explains her definition of courteous and respectful:

It means having a profound respect for the other person’s fundamentals—for him or her, that as a person—not because of your feelings for, or admiration of, or pleasure in that person, but because of the profound mystery of that person’s own being. But the external politeness is important, because it is the outward sign of the inward grace; and because the mere habit of an external courtesy helps to prompt the inward. It is a fact that by compelling ourselves to behave as the person we should wish to be, we can, in the end, conform ourselves to that image. Curiously enough, to behave as though one were better than one is, is the first step and best way towards growing better. That is why we nearly always end by becoming fond of any thing or person that we are obliged to serve and look after is perhaps a kind of pride, or a kind of impatience, that makes us always want to begin at the deeper level. Very often it is better to begin, modestly, at the surface, and work down.

Well said, Ms. Sayers. Compelling ourselves. Conforming ourselves. Outward signs of inward grace.

Wow.

So today, I ask you: How are you doing at not excusing your behavior by blaming your temperament? Are you compelling yourself to behave with courtesy and respect towards others? Are you starting at the surface and growing deeper? As for myself, I am much better about this than I used to be; however, I still have a long way to go. Just ask my family. ; )

Thanks to @pledman who shared Ms. Sayers letters with me.

Letters excerpts from:

The letters of Dorothy L. Sayers. Vol. 3, 1944-1950 : a noble daring, ed Barbara Reynolds. Cambridge : Dorothy L. Sayers Society, 1998, p. 402–405




Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Monday, March 1st

It's still Monday! I actually made a point of putting a reminder on my calendar, but this is the first time today I've had a chance to post... at least, the first time when I could write reflectively. So, let's get this party (um, contemplative party) started.

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Serendipitous

Coincidental

Fortuitous

These are words which might describe an experience I had last week. They might.

Last week was tough. Very tough. My husband was out of town for several days. I was behind on grading and really needed to get some assignments to students. I found out that someone got some preferential treatment under some circumstances that angered me. I was at a very low, stressed out point. Can you guess what happened? It got worse. The details are very personal and I would share some of it, but it involves other people, both the living and the dead and this space is too public.

I had so much to do on The Day It Got Worse that I really had to work to keep from letting myself feel the hurt. The next day, though, I was still really busy but something happened.

I was at my daughter's school, dropping something off at the class she was in last year. As I approached the class, there were two moms from that class who spotted me. I hadn't seen them much because of my new job. They called out a greeting and we said hello. They walked toward me to give me a hug and the dam burst. Burst. I went from happy to see them to sobbing in a micro-second. It was horrible... and wonderful. These two beautiful women immediately surrounded me and hugged me and started comforting me. Lo and behold, ANOTHER woman walked up. This woman knows quite a bit of my personal history. She joined in the Comfort Fest.

I can't tell you how much I needed all that at that moment. Right now, my long-time friends (as opposed to these wonderful moms who are more recent friends) are all at very busy points in their life. All but one of them lives far enough away to make seeing each other rare. I can, of course, call them at any time, but there is something about the comfort of friends right in front of you that is not the same as their being on the phone. My husband was out of town. I was sad and hurt and lonely.

And then I had that serendipitous moment... that coincidental meeting... that fortuitously timed exchange... and maybe that was all it was. In the book of Matthew it says the Lord... "causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Maybe there was just a little sunshine for me that day.

Or it could have been the Lord's intervention... the Lord's blessing... the Lord's special timing.

I don't know what you think it was, but I know which one I think it was.

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Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

I forgot

That's it. I forgot.

Well, I was moving with my family to a new house over the holiday weekend. We are living in the middle of boxes and I can't even find my clothes. The printer isn't hooked up so I can't print the quiz for the two classes I am supposed to teach tomorrow. My poor husband is trying to work full-time and trying to finish getting the rest of our stuff out of the old house.

Ugh.

So, I forgot. In fact, yesterday, my husband and I even forgot what day of the week it was!

In the face of all this, I did my devotion this morning and these are the verses I read:

Isaiah 41:10

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 43:1-5

¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—

he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush ^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} and Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.

These were good verses for me to read. Here is a little bit of what I wrote in response:

I am finding it a little hard to focus this morning. I am so stressed about the next few weeks of school, but I noticed in the craziness of the last couple of days of moving that I am being reminded of the Lord's blessings but not really taking time to fully appreciate them. I did try to do some prayer on Sunday when I was in the house alone and when I was spending so much money at the store, I was trying to appreciate that we even have the money to do this right now. My working and the family trust are allowing us to do this and I understand it but am not FEELING the gratitude I think that I should. All of this to say that I AM having trouble focusing, but I do want to focus on the Lord even though circumstances have me so stressed. Today's scripture is particularly appropriate for this, though. : ) It is several verses from Isaiah and the reassurance of the Lord's presence in my life is repeated throughout: do not fear, for I am with you / do not be afraid, for I am your God / I will strengthen you, I will help you / I will uphold you... / ... I have redeemed you / ... you are mine. It just goes on and on. I NEED to remember that. I NEED to know that. I am so scared about being successful this semester, but the Lord will be with me, even if my idea of success is not met, there will be some purpose to it. I just need to keep turning to him, loving him, needing and wanting him.

On it's way... and it's here!

Hi there! Just a heads up that I will be late in getting my post up this week. Come back late Monday or early Tuesday and you will find a host post here!

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Several hours later... Thank you for your patience!

It seems like I am always full of excuses and you all are always so gracious to me. I think that might be on my best things list for the week! Actually, I would also add some wonderful friends who I reached out to last night as I was having myself a Mary-LUE crisis of confidence. I asked for prayer and they came through.

I am finding myself at a time in life when I am somewhat overwhelmed with all that is going on. It isn't all bad stuff. It is just a LOT of stuff. I laughingly asked my husband the other day how we had managed to go so many years without the level of busyness we are experiencing now. However we did it, we are grateful, because this stuff is very challenging right now! I am teaching four classes, with three different preps (which means that three of the four classes are different and require different things to prepare and get ready). My husband has had another 1/2 a job added to his job description and so he is out of the house (he works from home usually) more often. We've had some near misses with the scheduling, but so far the kids have all been dropped off and picked up when they need to be! To top it all off, our landlord let us know he wants the house back. We were blessed and found a lovely place just a few blocks away. There are some downsides--it costs more and we lose some space--but the neighborhood is really nice and the landscaping and views are wonderful. We move in two weeks. Yikes! Not exactly sure how all that is going to work.

Anyway, one comfort in the middle of all this (in addition to gracious and praying friends) was this scripture that I came across in a devotion one day:

22 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, 23 Speak unto Aaron and unto his sons, saying, On this wise ye shall bless the children of Israel, saying unto them,

24 The LORD bless thee, and keep thee:

25 The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:

26 The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.

27 And they shall put my name upon the children of Israel, and I will bless them.

Number 6:22-27

I really don't think there's anything I can add to top that!

Blessings to you all this week.

Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

How do you do Sleeping with Bread?

Sleeping with Bread is a Monday meme. You can participate in one of two ways: 1) Pick one of the above examen question sets and answer it in the comments section of my SWB post; or, 2) Create your own Sleeping with Bread post. You are welcome to right click on the Sleeping with Bread button and save it to your own computer before uploading into your post. Then, make sure you come back and put the link to your post in the automated Mr. Linky form at the end of the current SWB post. We hope you will join in with the fellow bakers as we Sleep with Bread on Mondays!

Monday, January 18th

Clearings

The more that rushes through our minds, the more complicated and anxious life seems. Maybe TV will help settle us down--or the newspaper--or some work--or sex--or a big snack. Less seems to gnaw at us then. Life stays put for a moment. We feel in control again--we're "doing" something--anything.

The after-effect of the doing leaves us more anxious, but more drugged. We've exchanged a gnawing anxiety for a dulled sensibility. Maybe, at least, we can sleep now. We do, on the surface. But not below. Our dreams are troubled. Fragments of life whir round and round without a center. We wake tired, and struggle out for another round.

You and I share such an "underlife." It usually is bearable; it even seems "normal," sometimes out of sheer habit. Sometimes it is even fun. But it is not fulfilling. We are grown for more than that. When this becomes most clear, when the whole daily round feels most wearisome, we hear ourselves crying out ... How long will I, must I, tromp through this dense jungle half crazed and blind before the clearing appears?

Tilden Edwards

I came across a copy I had made of "The Back Door," a back cover essay of the Christian magazine, The Door. They were always written by the late Mike Yaconelli. In this particular essay, he quotes the passage above. The timing of my finding this was perfect. I had just the day before agreed to teach two classes at the local state university. This is on top of the two classes I had already agreed to teach at the local community college. And I've never taught before. At least, not in a situation where I am responsible for 16 -18 weeks of course content and scheduling and grading.

I am a little nervous about the course load, even though I am excited about the opportunities. I'm also concerned about finding myself "tromp[ing] through [a] dense jungle" looking for the clearing that Mr. Edwards writes about. This is especially true because I recognize so clearly his description of the behavior at the beginning of the passage... using TV, food, or something else to distract me from my anxiety and stress. It's classic Mary Behavior 101.

So I am sharing this with you today... for me. Because I need to read it and be reminded of my behavior... reminded that I am not alone in it... and reminded that there are clearings out there. Clearings that I will find if I look for them. Big, open clearings are maybe not so easy to find, but they are there. Daily and weekly, though, there are smaller clearings. I need to take advantage of them. Sometimes, I may need to take out my proverbial machete and hack it out on my own.

Once I get into those clearings, I need to stop, breathe, kick off my jungle boots, and rest.

Rest.

Rest physically.

Rest emotionally.

Rest spiritually.

Rest.

I did not write about the situation in Haiti right now. Honestly, I have no words to even know where to begin. I have no skills to physically bring to the area. We will donate money. We will pray. In the meantime, though, I go about my "normal" life. It is easy to forget how horrible the situation is. For my own bit of sold maintenance, I am visiting the Livesay family blog. They are Haitian missionaries who are in the middle of it all. It is heart-wrenching to read some of the posts, but I think that our hearts should be wrenched at this time. They must be wrenched.

Monday, January 4th

As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars, we'll be there. This fine ship, this fine crew. Never give up... and never surrender!

Galaxy Quest

In the context of the world of Galaxy Quest, this determination to prevail against overwhelming odds is admirable. The washed up stars of an old sci-fi television show initially want nothing more than to give up, surrender, and head back to the safety of their world of convention appearances. They are transformed, though, by their contact with their alien friends and rise to the challenge, saving the day.

At church today, though, we talked about doing the opposite. Give up! Surrender! could be the battle cry we were encouraged to utter. What's this? Giving up is not an option. As multitudinous episodes of Star Trek would have us believe, the human race never surrenders.

This just doesn't work in the Christian faith. At least, not all the time. While we are supposed to fight the good fight and stand firm in our faith, we are called to surrender ourselves and our lives to Christ. In Luke, chapter 3, the crowd following John the Baptist asks him what they must do. If you have two tunics, give one away. If you have food, share it. He tells tax collectors that they must not collect more than is owed. Soldiers should not extort money or make false accusations. He exhorts them to be content with their pay.

In other words. . .

give your tunic away. . . surrender what is yours

share your food... give up what is yours to others

don't take more than you should. . . surrender your desire for more

be content with what you have. . . give up trying to have more than you are given

Doing the above requires honesty, integrity, attention to duty, generosity, sacrifice. More than this, though, we need to surrender complete control of our lives to God. Actually, we need to give up our illusion that we control our lives. We can try to hold on to our right to do what we want to do. We can delude ourselves into thinking that no one will find out the bad choices we make. We can pretend that if we make better choices, good things will happen to us. But life just doesn't work that way. Whether or not you are a Christian, if you've ever experienced unexpected death, illness, job loss, or any other of a myriad of difficulties, you know. You know that there is so much outside of our control.

So our challenge in life is this, to listen, every step of the way, to the Lord's voice. . . to make his choice, not ours. Frank Laubach, in Letters from a Modern Mystic, said:

This year I have started out trying to live all my waking moments in conscious listening to the inner voice, asking without ceasing, 'What, Father, do you desire said? What, Father, do you desire done this minute?

Listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit, that inner voice inside of us, doesn't mean horrible will never happen to us. It doesn't mean that we will never have difficult choices to make. No. It doesn't mean that. It does, though, mean that we will be within God's will for us--his perfect will.

For me, after a pretty rough couple of years, I know that I am thinking I need to surrender to the Lord in pretty much EVERY area of my life. As I sat in church today, however, one particular area of need became clear: my mind. I have a restless mind. I often turn to television or junk reading to quiet it. During communion or prayer, I often find my thoughts meandering all over the place. With a mind that busy, I struggle hearing that inner voice. Yes, I think that is the place for me to start this year.

As we head into 2010, are there areas of your life in which you need to surrender to God? Would you like to share them with us?**

**The content of this post comes heavily from the sermon at my church this Sunday and from some Facebook status updates of a friend (you can find him here on Twitter). Together, they meshed in my head and this is what I ended up with.

Note: My hope is that ANYONE who wants to spend time weekly examining their life would feel welcome to participate here, Christian or not. This week's post is more specific to my Christian faith than my average Sleeping with Bread Post. I hope that you will still find it beneficial for contemplation this week.

One more thing: I am suffering from some cold symptoms and am taking antihistimines and decongestants. I'm not exactly sure I communicated what I meant to. If this post has left you scratching your head in confusion, I apologize. Really. ; )

Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

How do you do Sleeping with Bread?

Sleeping with Bread is a Monday meme. You can participate in one of two ways: 1) Pick one of the above examen question sets and answer it in the comments section of my SWB post; or, 2) Create your own Sleeping with Bread post. You are welcome to right click on the Sleeping with Bread button and save it to your own computer before uploading into your post. Then, make sure you come back and put the link to your post in the automated Mr. Linky form at the end of the current SWB post. We hope you will join in with the fellow bakers as we Sleep with Bread on Mondays!

Monday, December 21st

Well, my first week back in the saddle and I am LATE!

!!!!!!

(Exclamation points are my new way of, well, exclaiming things. They are short and to the point.)

Most of you know that I was keeping pretty busy for the last six weeks or so finishing up my master's degree. Well, it is FINISHED! I now have a Master's of Science in Education with a concentration in Reading. Yippee!! It feels very good to be done but, as with most journeys in life, I only have a brief respite before the schedule gets busy again.

So, let's get down to Sleeping with Bread, shall we?

I have to confess that there hasn't been too much contemplative thinking going on with me. Sadly, that has diminished somewhat my enjoyment of the Christmas season. When Christmas becomes just about buying gifts and getting "ready" for the holiday, I do not respond very well. When I have time to pull out some of my favorite poems and devotions and to participate in the Advent services at church, I am much more at peace.

This lack of contemplation is something I need to work on. I start teaching part-time in a few weeks. It will be challenging to create lesson plans for two to three college courses. I will also be taking one class to finish up a postsecondary learning certificate. I'll be busy... like I was busy for the last two and a half years with school. However, I have to stop using busyness as an excuse to keep from spending quiet time alone focusing on spiritual things because it has had an impact on my outlook on life. This is, of course, complicated by my mother's death, my sleep apnea, etc.

So, as I approach Christmas and near the end of 2009, I am looking... looking up... looking out... looking within and hoping to start renewing the habit of the practice of contemplation.

I look forward to hearing from you all and reading your Sleeping with Bread posts this week.

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How do you do Sleeping with Bread?

Sleeping with Bread is a Monday meme. You can participate in one of two ways: 1) Pick one of the above examen question sets and answer it in the comments section of my SWB post; or, 2) Create your own Sleeping with Bread post. You are welcome to right click on the Sleeping with Bread button and save it to your own computer before uploading into your post. Then, make sure you come back and put the link to your post in the automated Mr. Linky form at the end of the current SWB post. We hope you will join in with the fellow bakers as we Sleep with Bread on Mondays!

Monday, October 26th

Anxiety.

That would be my life-draining experience for the week. I have a tendency toward anxiety and this week it has been an issue. I am going out of town tomorrow and getting to my destination requires getting on a plane--for hours. I hate flying.

I am going to a conference where I am going to co-present at a small conference session. It is my first professional conference and I want to do well.

While I am there, I will be working on my masters' project. I am a little (!!) behind and need the time away from home to get a good start on my first two chapters. It is a critical time--a do or die kind of time.

So... I think most people would agree that there is some reason to be anxious.

Except there's that pesky verse in the Bible:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6 (NAS)

And that leads me to my life-giving experience for the week.

I prayed.

That is kind of a wild concept, isn't it? I prayed. I had some things to confess and the anxiety was weighing on me. So I went through some prayers from a book. My own words have been sorely lacking. Dealing with grief and some depression has left me inarticulate in prayer. I rest on the promise that the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf but I also like using prayers others have written.

It helped.

I woke up early this morning. I made myself stay awake as I will have to be adjusting to a new time zone AND I am getting up early, early, early for my flight. With the morning, I am feeling some anxiety again. There is lots to do to get ready... and the thought of that plane ride hovering at the forefront of my consciousness.

So, instead of spending the day in worry and fear, I am getting ready to pray.

It will help. And I am grateful for that.





Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Monday, October 19th

I'm listening to Bach's Goldberg Variations for Keyboards by Glen Gould. This particular song is quick and light and bouncy.

Quick and light and bouncy does not actually make for introspection. It makes for feeling light and bouncy!

So, I guess that tonight, I will just leave the link for the host post and go do something else light and bouncy!

I hope you all have a great week with something wonderful, like Bach's music in it!



Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Tuesday, October 13th

I've just missed getting this done while it was still Monday. I was busy, though, getting a portion of my Masters' project ready to turn in to my committee. I had said I would turn it in last Friday and didn't get it done. I reevaluated and said I would get it done by Monday. And I just made it... by one minute! How's that for cutting it close? Hopefully it will be returned with few changes to be made. Now I only have to write that actual thesis portion of the project. (ONLY! Ha!)

It feels good to get something accomplished. I feel like all I do is NOT get things done. Part of that, I have been realizing, is a lot of negative self-talk that I have been engaging in. I've decided that I need to do something about it. As difficult as life legitimately is right now, I am probably making it worse with the Eeyore attitude.

So I am going to take a moment to acknowledge what is difficult and then recognize what is good or what I can do to make things better.

What is difficult:

Sleep apnea therapy is not going well. Trying to function with a serious sleep deficiency is difficult.

Grief hits me when I least expect is. No matter how much I can intellectually understand the process and what it entails, there is no avoiding walking through it.

Stress. Stress from probate issues with both my mom and my dad. Even though there is often nothing going on an any given day, it is always in the back of my mind and that takes up some of my emotional energy.

The Big Bad Masters' Project. With all the above, getting myself to focus and work is very hard. For every hour of productivity, I hate to imagine how many hours of procrastination I engage in.


What is good and what I can do to make things better:


Good -

Although things are perfect, in general, the kids are doing well.

For the last three weeks, most days have found me experiencing at least some success in getting stuff accomplished. Some days it may just be one small thing but its something.

I've had some good support from friends and family.

My sister-in-law and I have been able to get together two weeks in a row to go through a devotional book.

My part -

Recognize that all of the energy I spend in procrastinating could be better used in actually working on my project!

Realize that I just have to take things one day at a time.

Acknowledge that I need help... whether it is asking for help from friends and family, or asking for prayer, or praying myself and asking the Lord for help. Asking for help is a good thing.

Consciously work on getting past the negative self-talk.

I know it won't be easy but I do know that it is possible. I want to include my thanks to all of you here at Sleeping with Bread. You've all been very encouraging to me these last few months. It really has been helpful. Bless you all!



Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Monday, September 28th

I keep trying to write a post about justice. But it is not working out right now. What I am thinking and feeling about it just isn't translating well to paper.

The gist of it?

There's a lot of injustice in this world. We KNOW that. We don't understand it all. We CAN'T understand it all.

There's a choice to be made. How are WE going to deal with the injustices in our life and the world around us? It may not seem like much of a subject for Sleeping with Bread; however, I think that how we view injustice, what we do with it, can affect our ability to look at our consolations and desolations.

What do you think? How does justice fit in with all this Sleeping with Bread stuff?


Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Tuesday, September 22nd

We'll just pretend that it's a Monday *wink, wink*.

It's the first day of Autumn. A time when the Earth prepares itself for the rest that will be followed by the renewal of Spring.

I'm trying to prepare myself for renewal, too. It isn't always easy. I'm treading a fine line between "shoulding" on myself--as my counselor would say--and pushing through emotional inertia to get some things done. Things that are GOOD for me to do, even if they are less than exciting or pleasant. I'm making lists of things that I need to do AND things I've managed to accomplish. I'm trying to communicate my progress. I'm trying to ask for help when possible, which is why my poor husband is spending hours gathering information for MY mother's probate process.

So...

I am most grateful this week for any and every thing I've done--from laundry to making it to church to working on my grad school work. Some days it's been just one or two small things, however, most days, I've managed to accomplish more than I have in a long time.

I am least grateful this week for that voice in my head that continues to tell me it isn't good enough. It's a voice that doesn't want to accept that, in my current circumstances, getting ANYTHING done is pretty good news. It's a voice that wants perfection. It's a voice that takes no excuses. It's a voice that offers no mercy and grace.

My own, stinkin' voice.

And thus, I am trying to listen to the voices of others who care about me--my family, friends, and counselors--who tell me to hang in there... keep working... don't try for perfection... don't be too hard on yourself... we care about you...

It takes a lot of their voices to drown out my own.

But I'm working on it.

How about you? What's going on with you this week?



Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Tuesday, September 8th

Oh dear! It was Labor Day yesterday. A Monday. I just woke up thinking about the fact that I forgot to set up the Sleeping with Bread post... puttered around some... and just NOW realized that YESTERDAY was Monday, not Sunday.

I am hanging my head in meme hosting shame!

Please forgive me for the complete lack of remembering... I'll just pop this off quickly then so that anyone who gets back here this week can get their post listed.

Once again, I'm apologize... we didn't even DO anything for the holiday but lay around!

P.S. I've been HORRIBLE about commenting on your posts. I got to most of you last week and I think the one post I didn't comment on, did get read. I really enjoy reading what you all have to share and will try to be more intentional with my commenting from here on out.





Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Monday, August 31st

I read an article, written by William J. Stuntz, that a Twitter friend (Thanks, Peter) linked to about suffering. The author went from a life that seemed perfect to a life that included the loss of his marriage, an ill child, and a chronic back pain that has not been able to be treated successfully. In the article, he discussed what suffering could do and what it doesn't do. It was very interesting to consider, especially the idea that, "illness does not beget virtue. Cancer and chronic pain make [a person] sick; they don't make [a person] good." In addition to his thoughts on suffering, though, the article impacted me in two ways: First, because his situation helps me to keep my situation in perspective. Second, he quoted the following verses from the Book of Job:

"You will call and I will answer you; you will long for the creature your hands have made. Surely then you will count my steps but not keep track of my sin" (Job 14:15-16)

These verses were the proverbial balm to my soul. Outside of the context of the article, they reached out to me. I am comforted by the idea the God longs for me. I am glad to be reminded that he made me. I am excited to consider that he will call me and I will answer.

As we head into another week, what has been comforting to you? What did you need to be reminded of? Is there something that excites you?



Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Monday, August 24th

This is it. The last week of summer vacation for my family. My tweenage daughter starts 4th grade next Monday and my teenage son starts his senior year in high school the following Thursday. Looking back over the summer, there have been a few "worst things" and a few "best things."

Worst Things:

I never got any real work done on my master's project. I had hoped to finish it... then I hoped to get a big chunk of it written... then I hoped to get the reading for it finished...

Let me just insert a huge sigh here.

I also was working on getting into shape and losing some weight. After a great start, my knees went out on me and that has stalled my progress.

How about another sigh?

Finally, the BIG one that you all know about. My mother's sudden death. I'll not be too flip with this one. It's complicated and sad and one of those life changing events that you cannot avoid. It happens and when it does, you have choices on how to deal with it--but it becomes a central part of your life for awhile.

Still, that's not all there is to this loaf of summer bread...

Best Things:

I am in a very good position to truly begin working on my project. I have the actual curriculum completed. I've got all my reading together to go over. I have a good friend working with me to help me with accountability.

I've not really gained much ground in my quest for physical fitness but I haven't really lost any ground either. In spite of a few weeks of careening off the diet track when my mom died, I am pretty much back on the tracks. It isn't perfect but I am not letting all that happened interfere completely with my efforts to get healthier.

Although the trip back to Oklahoma was not expected, it did give my kids a vacation. They got to play with cousins, hang out in a place where there was more to hold their attention than television and video games. In spite of the sad circumstances, I believe they experienced some rest and relaxation and relationship building.

I can't say I am looking forward to the fall. It brings some demands for me... that I act with discipline and commitment. I will be getting knee deep in probate matters for my mom's estate. The kids will have very different schedules and my husband will be, as always, a man on the road. I know, though, that with all its demands, life will also bring me comforts and joys. And those? Those I look forward to.

How about you all? Tell me about your summer...



Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE

Monday, August 17th

Well. Here I am--back after a couple of week absence.

I want to thank Lamont for filling in for me. She did a wonderful job and with very little notice. I was already late for the host post when I got word that my mother died. I sent an email to Lamont and added her to the list of blog authors and was on my way. She was so gracious to do the posts and, as I already mentioned, she did a wonderful job.

I also want to thank everyone for their kind words and prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and I believe that I was better able to make it through the trip because of those prayers.

There is so much grief in this situation. Not only did my mother die but she did not have a will or life insurance. It complicates the grieving because of so many details that need to be dealt with in a timely fashion. But, even with the desolation of grieving, the Lord brings consolations. The prayers and kind words of so many people... the food prepared for us and the supplies sent to us... the time the kids got to enjoy back in Oklahoma fishing, four wheeling, and playing with cousins... the time I got to connect more deeply with a cousin I used to be very close with as a child...

The Lord provides what we need... not always what we want. This idea was pointed out in a book I am reading, The Lord is My Shepherd by Harold Kushner. He discusses how much the 23rd Psalm is able to show us that we are not promised a life without pain. He does promise a life in which we will not be alone. He is with us... always.

I know we each come here with our own perspectives and faith so I want to thank you as I share this song and Psalm 23 with you.

¹The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

²He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

³He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

⁴Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

⁵Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

⁶Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. (Psalm 23, King James Version)





Although the examen is a Christian practice, I would hope that anyone who has something to share would feel welcome here. Also, if you don't have your own blog and would like to participate, share your bread in the comments. To holding on to what gives life,

Mary-LUE